


Butterfly on a Wheel

by a_lanart - the younger (a_lanart)



Series: The O'Niall Chronicles [19]
Category: Highlander: The Series, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Crossover, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-09
Updated: 2010-03-09
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:11:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_lanart/pseuds/a_lanart%20-%20the%20younger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following his experience in the Akritirian prison (in the episode The Chute), Harry Kim is not dealing well with the aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterfly on a Wheel

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 1998

Butterfly on a Wheel  
By Aeron Lanart  
ST:Voy/HL X-over. Another in the O'Niall Chronicles.  
R for adult situations and language. K/f, P/K  
Panzer/ Davis and Paramount are the creators and Gods of the Highlander and Star Trek universes.   
Concepts and characters used without permission.  
Original characters and ideas are Mine, so is the story.  
Title and quotes throughout courtesy of the Mission from the song of the same name (I didn't ask them either!)

 

_!Warning! *Angst Alert* This story deals with adult issues, it is set after 'The Chute' and deals with issues related to the episode_.  
If the development of a P/K relationship bothers you, don't read this!

~*~

Butterfly on a Wheel

*

 

_"I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings."_

*

In the first days after Harry and Tom were rescued from the Akritirian prison it was expected that neither of them would really want to socialise much. They both threw themselves into their work with a vengeance, perhaps seeking healing in the comfort of routine. When the days stretched into a week, then nearly two and Siannon had seen little, if any, of Harry she first became worried and then downright alarmed. It was not as if she had not tried to see him or talk to him but he always had a reply ready the few times she had managed to corner him when he was off duty. 'I'm too busy at the moment' or 'I don't want to talk about it right now' were about the sum total of words she had shared with him in the last week. She had been willing to back off and give him space, having a good idea of what he was going through, for although Harry was unwilling to talk, Tom was not. Tom needed to talk with a desperation that surprised her. He was not sleeping well, had not since his return from prison so they had slipped back into their routine of midnight dream demon bashing, both of them deriving considerable benefit from the sessions. Tom was still looking pinched around the edges but had begun to attain a degree of peace in the time since Akritiria. Peace that still eluded Harry.

 

It was during one of their late night sessions in the holodeck that Siannon became really alarmed. Tom was full of concern for his friend and asked Siannon if she had any idea how Harry was coping.

"You're asking *me*?" She was genuinely shocked.

"Well I thought, seeing as how you were lovers before all this blew up, that he might've... um... opened up a bit more to you."

"Fat chance. Harry's hardly said two words to me for about a week, he won't allow himself to be alone with me, not even in the turbolift."

"You and me both." Tom sounded desperately worried and unsure how to deal with the situation.

"What!" Siannon was incredulous. To the best of her knowledge, Harry had never shut Tom out before, they knew each other too well for anything to impede their friendship, even Harry's love for Tom had not caused an obstruction, just added an extra poignancy to the relationship, not that Tom knew about it, of course. She was not surprised when she had been rebuffed as she knew she was the most recent addition to an already complex equation, but for Harry to push Tom away? Something was clearly very wrong and Tom was obviously at a loss, and miserable to boot.

"He's not *talking* to me, not properly. Oh he'll pass the time of day, talk about bridge   
duty but as soon as I try to get closer to him I'm pushed away. I don't know what to do,   
Siannon, it's tearing me apart to see him like this."

"Shields up and at full strength. Sounds a bit like you. You're awfully difficult to get   
close to sometimes."

"Maybe I am, but Harry's not like that." She stared at him. "Well he's not been like that   
before," Tom amended, somewhat defensively, after all he had known Harry for nearly two years before Siannon arrived on Voyager, had been his closest friend in all that time.

"And he's not been in an alien prison before, watching his best friend die by degrees, trying his best to prevent it from happening, either. He could just need more time."

"I've given him time! How much more is he going to need? Anyway, we did… um… talk about some stuff when we first came back. He was trying to tell me why he felt so shit about beating up on me and I gave him the spiel about it not being his fault and that it was the clamp, not him so he should forget it. And he said he couldn't as clamp or no clamp he shouldn't have been able to do that to me, because he… because…" Tom paused, unable to continue round the lump in his throat.

"He loves you. Yeah, I know."

"He… he said you did. I asked him." He ran a hand through his hair, touching the spot where the clamp had been, rubbing at it as though it was still there. He met Siannon's eyes. "It's a little difficult to accept in the cold light of day."

"But?"

"That night, we were both too scared to sleep on our own. Harry didn't know what to expect. I did, and I wasn't looking forward to it. I stayed on the couch so we could be near each other if we were needed. Oh God, Siannon, he woke up screaming. Not just crying or scared or in a cold sweat. Screaming. I couldn't bear it, I had to do something to help, so I held him, tried to tell him that it was all right, that I was there. He begged me not to leave him - how could I refuse, he asks for so little and gives me so much, it was the least I could do and anyway it gave me a chance to do something for him in return, something he needed from me." Siannon knew there was more to be said but Tom appeared to be withdrawing, turning inward. His eyes were staring, glassy, fixed on nothing in particular and his hands were clenching and unclenching in his lap. She took one hand and carefully loosened the fingers, holding it gently.

"So you stayed the night?" Tom started slightly, as if he had forgotten she was there.

"Yeah, I did. When he'd finally calmed down we were just sitting there, holding each other, trying to keep the shadows at bay and he *looked* at me. I've never seen an expression like it, it was so intense. The next thing he was kissing me, telling me he loved me, asking me not to turn him away..." Tom's voice trailed off as he remembered.

"Did you?"

"No! I wouldn't *do* that to him." He looked sideways at Siannon, through lowered lashes, gave her a faint smile, a mere ghost of his usual wry grin. "I... er... kissed him back." He raised his head to meet her eyes properly with a touch of his old humour. "He does have a very sensual mouth."

"I have noticed."

"I'm sure you have." Tom paused, lost in thought for a moment and squeezed Siannon's hand.

"So what's the problem? What happened after that?"

"Nothing else did happen. He asked. I stayed. That's it, though I must admit having him there to hold onto made the night a lot easier to bear. I think Harry felt the same, he stayed with me the next night. Maybe we both needed the comfort of having someone *there*, someone who understood. I slept much better with Harry next to me than I have done since. I really don't know what's happened, as soon as we were back on duty he clammed right up. It's as if those two nights never happened and now I can't reach him. He's not eating properly, I'm sure he's not sleeping, he's not been to Sandrine's since we got back, all he does is work. Hell, even Batehart asked me if he was okay, apparently he's not heard Harry play his clarinet in over a week. The man is living on his nerves and if he's not careful he's going to snap. I know, I've been there and I don't want Harry   
to go through it if at all possible." They shared a worried glance, understanding each other too well.

 

"What happens if all we can do is catch him when he falls?" Siannon whispered. It hurt   
her desperately to see her vivacious young lover so tormented. She wondered what the turmoil would do to him, whether there was still a chance he eventually might come through the experience relatively unscarred, though not unchanged, hoping that their   
blossoming relationship still had a future. She would not dwell on that, compared with trying to keep Harry's integrity and sanity intact, it was unimportant. Tom was watching the thoughts and emotions flit across her face, feeling the same pain.

"Then we make sure we're there. All of us. B'Elanna has been keeping an eye on him as   
she sees him the most, with all the hours he's putting in but he won't talk to her either,   
except about work."

"Maybe we should ask Kes or Chakotay to see if he'll talk to them, seeing as he won't   
talk to us. He needs to work through this with *someone*, we're the three people he cares most for on this ship, maybe we're just too close."

"What do you mean?" Tom was a little puzzled by her reply. Siannon smiled grimly, shaking her head slightly, staring at the hand she still held in her own.

"Look at us. We're not just his friends, he loves us all intensely. I am - was - his lover, you're the best friend he's ever had and someone he'd dearly *like* to be his lover, B'Elanna is like a part of him and possibly too close to be his lover, though I know he's thought about it. Notice a pattern?"

"I think I do." Tom's expression had become pained, drawn.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just - Harry and *B'Elanna*."

"What's wrong with that, you don't have a monopoly on unrequited love, you know. I don't think she comprehends it if that helps."

"Not really. So, what should we do?" He sighed.

"I think we should maybe speak to Chakotay and Kes. All of us together, except Harry obviously."

"And then we wait?"

"Then we wait. And pick up the pieces if needs be."

"I really hope that's not necessary."

"So do I, but. . ."

"We've got to be ready. I just hope we still have a person recognisable as Harry Kim at the end of all this, I miss him already."

"Don't we all. Come on, let's go. We've got a lot to do tomorrow." They left the holodeck   
together, of one mind in their resolve; the restoration of their friend.

~*~

_"Crushed like a flower under the snow "_

~*~

Harry did discuss some of his problems with Chakotay, enough that he started to approach some semblance of normality. He started eating again and appeared to be sleeping better, he even went to Sandrine's one evening although he did not stay very long. However he still held himself aloof from the three people who cared and worried about him most, as if letting them too close would shatter the fragile hold he maintained on his composure and stability. In the end, it was a freak incident on the holodeck that cracked the wall that Harry had put up between himself and life.

 

Siannon had started having bad dreams again, unfortunately they coincided with Tom finally managing to sleep through the night more often than not so she lost her usual companion, her partner in insomnia. One particular night, after waking up from her second nightmare of the night with little recollection of the dream beyond fire, swords, screams and pain, she gave up on sleep as a lost cause but needing a channel for the residual anger and hostility she still felt. After a bit of judicious snooping on the medical sensor web, she ascertained that Tom was asleep, dream free for a change, as was B'Elanna. Letting them sleep, she stomped off to the holodeck to indulge in some self inflicted violence to relieve her pent up aggression. She was feeling positively reckless when she arrived at the holodeck and decided to activate a program modification that she very rarely used, one that disengaged all safety protocols but one. She could get stabbed, beaten, burned, strangled, phasered, or all of them but she would not get beheaded. Despite there being no other safety devices in place Siannon knew she would walk out of the holodeck alive. Eventually. She felt a primal urge for bloodshed, time to beat the shit out of some holocharacters or die trying. The program was a strange amalgam of Klingon callisthenics, old Earth skirmishes and weapons training; very fast, very bloody and just what she needed.

 

Some time later she began to feel a lot better. She was covered in blood, much of it her own, her clothes were ripped and slashed, the left side of her face was one large throbbing bruise, she was sure her cheekbone was smashed. Nearly time to call it a night. There were just three more characters to despatch, A Klingon, a Cardassian and a very nasty looking human woman bristling with knives. Wincing as a particularly vicious slash from the bat'leth caught her across the abdomen, she became aware of another presence on the holodeck, a real one, as she heard a strangled gasp behind her. Kicking the Klingon away and following through with a slash of her own she whirled around to find Harry, rooted to the spot, staring at her with a peculiar mixture of terror, apprehension, love, respect and guilt all warring for expression.

"Harry, get out of here, the safeties are off!" She yelled at him, turning her attention back to the program. Just as she opened her mouth to end it she felt the cold sting and kiss of metal entering her body. Another. The knife thrower had taken advantage of her distraction as had the Klingon and she was now going to suffer the fatal consequences. Harry screamed and threw himself at her, pushing her opponent away with brute force. She pulled the knife out of her side, her blood running thick and warm through her fingers, gasping as her lungs filled up and she began to drown in her own blood.

"Remove characters, restore safety protocols." She collapsed in a heap at Harry's feet, reached up a bloody hand to grab one of his as he crouched over her, his face a picture of abject horror. "Stay with me, Harry." She managed to get out before the last breath wheezed out of her and she lay still, her hand becoming a dead weight in his as the life drained out of her with her blood.

*

"No!" Harry screamed his throat raw. While rationally he knew that Siannon would recover it was like having his worst nightmare come to life before him. He tenderly gathered her lifeless body into his arms and clutched her to him, cradling her in a grim parody of the loving embraces they had shared, letting the scalding tears fall unchecked, heedless of the blood that was soaking into his own clothes.

 

He could not see through his tears, could not stop his mind replaying his dream where it was not Siannon who's lifeless body he held in his arms, but Tom. Tom lying dead because of him - because of his lack of control. That dreadful moment in the Akritirian prison when he realised just who he was pounding into oblivion, the gut wrenching pain that overwhelmed him when he knew he had come within a hairsbreadth of killing one of the people he loved most in the galaxy, still haunted him no matter how much he tried to convince himself that it was the influence of the clamp. Harry was basically a gentle person, even given his hidden wild streak, and would not have believed he could hold such rage inside. The worst thing was, it was still there. Not directed at Tom, never again, or Siannon or B'Elanna, but at himself for coming so near to being all he abhorred. The pain he caused himself by keeping his distance from those he loved was insignificant in comparison to the fear that he might cause them real harm if he kept them close. And now, as if to confirm his worst fears, he had done it again. He settled Siannon's still body into his lap, resting her head on his shoulder and held her close. How long he sat like that he later could not say but he was intensely aware of every tiny change in her body as she healed.

 

The tears had begun to fall again as he quietly berated himself for being so stupid when he felt the first slight tremor run through her. And another. Then she drew a shuddering, gasping breath and her eyes flew open, struggling to focus. Succeeding, she gazed at his   
blood and tear streaked face, reached up to touch his cheek.

"Harry," she said, giving him a smile of such sweetness he could not face her. "Harry, don't turn away from me now." He looked back down at her, stricken.

"But I killed you!" She shifted against him, wincing slightly.

"No, my dear, lovely fool. My own stupidity killed me. Painful, but not permanent." She held onto him tightly, sensing that he would just as soon retreat back behind his walls as stay with her.

"It was my fault, if I hadn't distracted you..." He sounded almost mournful.

"Harry, you can flagellate yourself with guilt until you fall apart, but it won't ever change anything, not now and not in the past. If I've learned one thing in my life, it's that. You have to accept your mistakes and regrets, learn to live with them, make them a part of you. We're three dimensional beings, Harry, Yin and Yang. There can be no laughter without tears, no joy without sorrow and no light without shadow, never forget that."

"It's easy for you to say that, but I feel so *angry* at myself, as if I've failed all of you. I couldn't bear to cause any more harm."

"Oh Harry, you cause more harm to us by shutting yourself away like this than you ever could otherwise. We miss you so much. *All* of us, not just me." They stared at each other for long moments, heart and soul unveiled. Harry felt hope leap in his chest, where all he had felt was despair. He had not truly realised how much they all cared for him. He swallowed, trying to choke back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him again, watching Siannon fight a similar battle of her own.

"Siannon. . ." They clung to each other, sobbing, awash in the cleansing that only shared pain can bring, as the walls that Harry had so carefully built around himself came crashing down with resounding finality.

 

They broke apart when Harry tried to move, and flinched.

"Are you all right?" Siannon was immediately concerned, Harry looked chagrined.

"It's just cramp." She clambered off his knee while he rubbed at the offending leg, looked down at the wreck of her own clothes, then at the blood stains covering his and sighed.

"I think we need to get cleaned up and then maybe talk about this." She raised a hand to stall Harry. "Only if you want to." Harry gave her a wry smile.

"That's all very well, but how exactly are you proposing to get back to your quarters without terrifying everyone you meet. You look like one of the walking dead and I don't think I look much better." Siannon grinned at him.

"That's easy enough. We transport there, medical clearance is a very useful thing to have." She scrambled up before offering a hand to Harry and hauling him up to stand next to her. "Computer: end program." They stood looking decidedly incongruous in their torn and bloodstained clothing surrounded by the near sterility of the holodeck grid. "Initiate transport sequence O'Niall kappa three, two to transport. Energise."

 

As soon as they rematerialised Siannon stalked over to the disposal slot and unceremoniously began stripping off the tattered remnants of her clothes.

"I have *got* to get clean, I absolutely *detest* the feel of dried blood in my hair." She moved to the bathroom, unselfconscious in her nudity, turned at the door to face Harry who was staring at her, transfixed.

"Join me?" She asked. A slow, tender smile spread across Harry's face, the first real one she had seen in weeks.

"Why the hell not," he said and pulled off his own clothes in record time.

 

They washed each other carefully, Siannon rejoicing in the feel of Harry's skin under her fingers, Harry marvelling anew at the porcelain fairness of her skin in contrast to the deep gold of his own, the water streaming over and between them, soaking their hair and running in rivulets down their bodies. Harry tenderly brushed his fingers over the last visible scars from the evening, smiling gently into her enquiring eyes.

"How long before they fade completely?" His touch lingered over the knife scar, the wound that killed her.

"Another half hour. One at the outside."

"Is it always like that?"

"Pretty much. The only place an immortal will suffer permanent scarring seems to be their neck." He gave Siannon a mischievous grin.

"The neck, huh. Would that have anything to do with..." He reached out to caress her neck, just above the collarbone, with gentle fingers, brushing lightly over her skin. She shivered, but not with cold.

"Harry," she warned, "You'd better stop that unless you… ahhh…" She leaned back against the wall of the shower stall for support. He had replaced his fingers with his mouth, sucking gently, giving her a couple of soft bites before pulling away to gaze at her, eyes shining, with the water beating down on his head and running down his face.

"I meant it, Harry." She tried to sound assertive, without much success. He grinned again, cupping her face with his hand.

"So did I." She searched his face for the truth, not believing her ears and found only confirmation.

"In that case can we get *out* of the shower? I want us to take our time and the bed is much more comfortable, drier too." Harry kissed her and switched off the water. Drying themselves as they moved to the bedroom, they stole soft touches and kisses from each other, murmuring endearments on the way as they left a trail of wet footprints and damp towels in their wake.

 

They made love with a focused gentleness, re-acquainting themselves with each other's bodies, re-establishing their intimacy, passion taking a back seat to tenderness in order for them to begin to heal their emotional wounds. After their mutual release they held each other tightly as they wept again, smiling through the tears knowing that true healing could now take place, for both of them, in the triumph of life over death.

 

In a halting voice Harry told Siannon his version of events after falling down the chute into the Akritirian prison, of his horror and repugnance of the place and his ongoing battle with himself for control. He spoke of his terror when Tom was stabbed, his feelings   
of utter helplessness and the desperation that forced him to offer to Zio the only thing he had left of any value in trade for Tom's life; himself. She held him close as he trembled in her arms at the memory, unable to prevent the tears from falling again.

"Oh Harry… How many times?"

"Just the once. Zio surprised me, he showed an amazing lack of brutality, but then I don't think I would have survived what Tom endured in New Zealand." He shuddered, then drew a deep breath before looking up at Siannon's tear streaked face with quiet conviction. "It was worth it. Tom's alive, safe and continuing to heal. Unfortunately now he knows how I feel about him."

"He told me."

"Thought he might. I just wish I knew how it's going to affect our friendship. I didn't   
mean to tell him, but I couldn't help it. The night we came back was so hard to get through and in the middle of it he was there, my anchor. I'd come so close to losing him forever I couldn't suppress it any longer, I had to let him know how I felt about him, even though I was absolutely petrified he would reject me. He looked so fierce and beautiful sitting there, I just couldn't help myself. I've never been more surprised in my life than when he kissed me, he accepted my feelings as if he had known all along that I loved him and when he agreed to stay with me, I couldn't believe it. The dreams that night were pretty bad but every time I woke he was holding me as if he was trying to protect me." Harry gave a grim sounding, humourless chuckle. "How do you protect someone from themselves? I was still pretty out of it the next day and by the time night came round I was terrified, so I went to Tom again and actually managed to get some sleep. I'm sorry if I hurt you Siannon, but I couldn't face you, not with what Zio had taken so fresh in my mind. Tom was there with me - if he doesn't know for certain, I'm sure he suspects. I didn't have to talk or explain myself, he was just *there*."

"If it was helping you both, why didn't you carry on sleeping together?" Siannon asked. Harry shrugged, giving her a wry smile.

"My damnable pride, I suppose. When we were back on duty it sort of blew up in my face. I'm a Starfleet officer, supposed to be able to deal with all sorts of situations and there I was, clinging to my best friend like a limpet. It made me feel like the kid so many people still take me for, so I tried to stand alone. Now I know that was a mistake, but there it is. Work helped for a while, especially if I was too tired to dream but then the nightmares started to come every night, no matter how exhausted I was. I couldn't bear the thought of going to the Doctor or Kes for help, so I tried to carry on - obviously not as well as I thought I could. Things did settle down a bit after the Commander collared me but I was too scared to let you three back in, I didn't know how I'd cope." He shifted himself on the bed, moving back to sit up against the pillows, Siannon squirmed up beside him half turning to face him as she curled her legs beneath her. She reached out to smooth his mussed hair.

"So what were you doing on the holodeck tonight?"

"Looking for you, actually. I couldn't sleep again and I desperately wanted to talk to someone, I felt like I was slowly going insane even without the clamp. I remembered Tom said you and he quite frequently used the holodeck when you had bad nights so I checked to find out where you were, see if you were still awake or not. I must admit I certainly didn't expect to see what I did. When I walked in and saw you standing there, covered in blood, you looked so *primeval* it was amazing. I know you heal quickly and all that but I couldn't believe just how much punishment your body had taken and left you standing. It totally scared the shit out of me. Then you got knifed and it was like the prison all over again, only you died."

"Maybe so, but I have this slight advantage if you hadn't noticed." Harry glared at her, dark eyes snapping with barely suppressed emotion.

"Do you think knowing that made *any* difference to the way I felt when I held your body in my arms? You were *dead*, Siannon. I never want to feel that again, not for you, not for Tom, not for B'Elanna, not for *anyone* on this ship. Gods, the sheer relief I felt   
when you started to breathe..."

"Then why did you try to shut yourself away again? That really hurt."

"Guilt, probably. I'm sorry." He took a damp curl of her hair, twined it around his fingers, watching the play of light on it and smiled ruefully. "You're a very determined person, you know, managing to convince me otherwise." Siannon raised her eyes and gave an answering smile.

"It's a talent. Most people call me stubborn and pig headed and have done with it."

"Well I'm glad you're stubborn and pig headed, thank you." He couldn't stifle a yawn. She   
grinned.

"C'mon Harry, sleep. You maybe off tomorrow but I'm still on duty, even if it is on second shift."

"Isn't Tom on second shift tomorrow?"

"Mmm-hm."

"Then let's surprise him at breakfast, I want to apologise."

"Harry, he understands."

"I know, but *I'd* feel better."

"Okay then, apologise, you daft wazzock."

"Daft *what*?!"

"Wazzock. Old Northern English expression. Sorry, I just come out with them sometimes, can't help it." Harry laughed and gathered her into a bone crushing hug which she returned enthusiastically.

"Siannon, I love you. You're so good for me. Next time don't do something as drastic as getting killed to bring me to my senses." He kissed her deeply before pulling back. "I know, sleep." He scooted back down the bed, letting go of Siannon to pull up the covers.  
"Come here, I want to hold you." He lay back, arms open in invitation and she snuggled into his warm embrace like a small animal nesting, letting her fingers splay across his chest.

"Oh Harry, I missed you so much, don't ever turn away again."

"I'll try not to."

"Good."

She lay there for a while, listening to his breath deepen toward sleep.

"Harry?"

"Mmm?" he was almost asleep and could not manage to form a coherent reply.

"I love you too." She could feel him smile against her hair but did not receive a verbal response. Slowly she felt herself drift away feeling safe and warm and loved, not to mention happier than she had done in a long time. There were no more nightmares that night, for either of them.

~*~

_"Like the flower in Spring, Love will rise again to heal your wings."_

~*~

Harry woke up slowly, convinced he was still dreaming. Someone was kissing his toes. He shook off the last fog of sleep and remembered.

"I'm awake, Siannon." He pried open his eyelids to find himself gazing into a pair of sparkling green eyes. She had raised her head and was grinning at him.

"Sleep well?" Harry levered himself into a sitting position so he could see her better and grinned back at her.

"Actually, I did. First time in ages." He noticed, with a twinge of disappointment, that she was already partly dressed. No fooling around in the shower this morning obviously. He was either too sleep dazed to school his expression properly or Siannon had been   
expecting that very reaction as she laughed softly.

"Breakfast with Tom, remember?" Harry flushed slightly, he *had* forgotten and it was his idea in the first place. He rolled to the edge of the bed, throwing his legs over the side.

"Okay, okay, I'm moving." He made his way to the bathroom, muttering under his breath.

"I am *not* a slave driver Harry Kim. I'm merely encouraging you to get ready for something that was your idea." Siannon stood by her bed, arms folded, trying to look indignant. The picture was somewhat marred by the fact that her lower half was still undressed except for her underwear. Harry cast his eyes over her appreciatively and smiled warmly at her from the door to the bathroom.

"I'd still rather be distracted than encouraged to get ready." Siannon raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry, I'm going." The door slid shut behind him and soon the sound of running water could be heard.

Siannon pottered around, finished dressing and checked that Harry's clothes from the previous night had actually survived going through the 'fresher. In a fit of enthusiasm she shoved the sheets in the 'fresher too, making the bed up with clean ones. She sat on the edge of the bed idly running a brush through her hair while she waited for Harry merge, ruminating on the events of the previous night.

A short time later they were sauntering down the corridor to Tom's quarters.

"I told him I'd pick him up."

"Fine." Harry was staring at his feet as he walked, obviously ill at ease. Siannon stopped, grabbed his arm in one hand and lifted his chin so she was looking into his eyes with the other.

"What is *wrong* with you. Last night you couldn't wait to see him, now it looks like you've got cold feet. Tom is not going to disappear in front of you and he's not going to chuck you out of his room either, at least he won't with me there." One side of   
Harry's mouth twitched slightly.

"I guess I'm just nervous."

"You'll live." With that she dropped her hand from his face and linked her arm through his, almost dragging him down the corridor.

 

Tom was still in the bathroom when they arrived.

"I'll be right out Siannon," he called from behind the door. There was a crash and a spate of cursing Harry and Siannon just looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Hey, it's not funny!" Tom yelled.

"It is from out here. Anyway Paris, you'd better hurry up, I've brought you a present."   
Harry grimaced at her, she elbowed him in the side. Tom exploded from the bathroom, hair every which way, wiping his face.

"Sounds ominous." He said through a faceful of towel.

"It's not that bad, just look will you." Tom raised his head to find himself looking   
straight at...

"Harry?" The colour drained from his face as he stared. He couldn't believe it, after so many weeks wishing for this very thing, Harry was here - in his quarters. At that moment Tom finally understood just what Harry meant to him and yet. . .

Harry just stood there, heart in his mouth looking and feeling so incredibly vulnerable.

"Hi, Tom." He said quietly, Tom's reaction unnerved him as it was not what he had expected.

"Harry!" Tom's smile blazed out full force and he almost leapt the gap between the two of them to wrap his arms round Harry tightly as if he were never going to let go. "God, I missed you so much, Har. Never do that again." He looked at Siannon over Harry's shoulder, she was grinning broadly at them. "Whatever you did Siannon, thanks." He was aware he was still holding on to Harry for dear life and that Harry's arms had slid around his waist. He was about to panic when he realised it actually felt *right* to be wrapped in an embrace with Harry Kim.

 

Siannon stood watching for a minute, smiling to herself, before she decided to leave them alone.

"I think you two have an awful lot to discuss, I'll see you later." She kissed them both gently and turned to go.

"Siannon!" She turned back to see Tom almost struggling in Harry's arms.

"Tom, it's all right. Harry, explain." With that she left, making her way to the mess hall alone.

*

Back inside his quarters Tom was still agitated. He had pulled out of Harry's embrace and was holding him by the shoulders at arms length, glaring at him.

"What the hell is she on about? Explain what, for God's sake?" Harry gave Tom a small, almost secretive smile. Tom was about to have a big surprise.

"I'm sure you could hazard a guess, Tom."

"What the hell are *you* on about?"

"That's easy enough to explain," said Harry as he closed the distance between them until he could feel Tom's breath on his face. "This." He reached for Tom, pulling him close for a deep, soul searching kiss, remarking with glee that Tom looked dazed and slightly   
breathless when he finally removed his mouth. Gathering Tom more gently into his arms, he held him close.

"*Now* do you understand? I love you." Harry whispered into Tom's ear as he leaned against him.

"Harry, I. . ."

"Shh. Just hold me." So they stood there wrapped around each other, not talking, just enjoying their proximity. For Harry it was a dream come true, Tom knew and accepted his feelings and instead of spurning him, had discovered feelings of his own. For Tom it was a revelation, he knew he had always cared deeply for Harry, but loving him like this was not something he had suspected of himself. However, from Tom's point of view, there was one major problem. Burying his face in Harry's hair he tried to explain.

"Harry, you know I… shit, I don't know how to say this. Dammit. Look Har, I do love you but I can't… not with another man, not after New Zealand… not even you… I just can't. I'm sorry." His eyes felt suspiciously moist as he clung to Harry with something akin to desperation. Harry stroked his hair.

"Don't worry about it. I love you for yourself, for *Tom Paris*, not for your body. Like I love Siannon for herself and like you love B'Elanna. If all either of us wanted was sex we'd be dating the Delaney sisters. Let's enjoy what we have and share what we can,   
that's something that Siannon has taught me to do."

They stared at each other for a long instant, lost in each other's gaze until Tom moved, lowering his head slightly to capture Harry's mouth with his own in another searing kiss. It was Harry's turn to feel dazed and breathless.

"Damn, but you're good at that." He said when he could speak again. "Now if I remember rightly we have a previous engagement with a beautiful woman in the mess hall." Tom grinned at him.

"I suppose you're right. There's just a couple of things. . ."

"Like what?"

"Where do I stand with you and Siannon? What about us?"

"We're friends aren't we?"

"Always."

"Then let's just say we've expanded on the concept of friendship slightly. As for Siannon she's known for a long time how I feel about you, she knows it doesn't make her second best. I love you both. She's probably the most wonderful lover I've ever had, Libby   
included, and you... well you're my... my soul mate, I suppose." Tom hugged him hard at that but would not be diverted from his train of thought.

"What about B'Elanna? I thought you were in love with her too."

"So did I until I really thought about it. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, but to be her lover... I don't think it would work, we're too close and I sure as hell don't feel about her the same way you do. She's all yours Tom, if she'll have you."

"Believe me, I'll work on it."

"I bet you will. Come on, we'd better go."

"Right." They left Tom's quarters together, Tom's arm slung companionably around Harry as they walked in an echo of their re-established closeness, their demons conquered as much as they could be for now. All that was needed was time - time to love, time to grow, time to make discoveries about each other and for each, another. Time to look into the maelstrom of life and throw oneself into it whole heartedly, accepting the risks that   
go hand in hand with living.

 

End

 

_"Wise men say 'All's fair in love and war'.  
And there's no right or wrong in the design of Love,  
But I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings.  
Broken and torn, crushed like a flower under the snow,  
Like the flower in Spring, Love will rise again to heal your wings.  
Love heals the wings of a Butterfly on a Wheel."_

'Butterfly on a Wheel' is off the Mission's 1990 album 'Carved in Sand' if anyone's   
interested (you probably aren't, but it's one of my favourite albums of all time, so   
I'm giving it a plug).


End file.
